god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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