No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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