Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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