my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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