A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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