dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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