Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
