the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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