i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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