It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
