So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you inspire me to be a worse person
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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