What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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