either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
