You just made me feel so damn special
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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