Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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