Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
