Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
