i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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