Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
