And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
