I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
