at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
