My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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