I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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