remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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