i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
