you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
