I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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