It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
