Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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