Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My vagina just clenched in fear
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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