shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
