Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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