Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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