This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
