Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
