recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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