I think I won the penis lottery.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
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Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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