I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
