when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
