Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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