If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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