he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
