I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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