fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize