i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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