I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
