Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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