The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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