His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I checked into jail on foursquare
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
3 2 1 whiskey
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
