I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
