Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
