The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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