There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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